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LEASH:
A strap which attaches to
your collar, enabling you to
lead your person where you
want him/her to go.
DOG BED:
any soft, clean surface,
such as the white bedspread
in the guest room or the
newly upholstered couch in
the living room.
DROOL:
Is what you do when your
persons have food and you
don't. To do this properly
you must sit as close as you
can and look sad and let the
drool fall to the floor, or
better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF:
A social custom to use when
you greet other dogs. Place
your nose as close as you
can to the other dogs rear
end and inhale deeply,
repeat several times, or
until your person makes you
stop.
GARBAGE CAN:
A container which your
neighbors put out once a
week to test your ingenuity.
You must stand on your hind
legs and try to push the lid
off with your nose. If you
do it right you are rewarded
with margarine wrappers to
shred, beef bones to consume
and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES:
Two-wheeled exercise
machines, invented for dogs
to control body fat. To get
maximum aerobic benefit, you
must hide behind a bush and
dash out, bark loudly and
run alongside for a few
yards; the person then
swerves and falls into the
bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS:
This is a malady which
affects dogs when their
person want them in and they
want to stay out. Symptoms
include staring blankly at
the person, then running in
the opposite direction, or
lying down.
THUNDER:
This is a signal that the
world is coming to an end.
Humans remain amazingly calm
during thunderstorms, so it
is necessary to warn them of
the danger by trembling
uncontrollably, panting,
rolling your eyes wildly,
and following at their
heels.
WASTEBASKET:
This is a dog toy filled
with paper, envelopes, and
old candy wrapper. When you
get bored, turn over the
basket and strew the papers
all over the house until
your person comes home.
SOFAS:
Are to dogs like napkins are
to people. After eating it
is polite to run up and down
the front of the sofa and
wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH:
This is a process by which
the humans drench the floor,
walls and themselves. You
can help by shaking
vigorously and frequently.
LEAN:
Every good dog's response to
the command "sit !",
especially if your person is
dressed for an evening out.
Incredibly effective before
black-tie events.
BUMP:
The best way to get your
human's attention when they
are drinking a fresh cup of
coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP:
A maneuver to use as a last
resort when the Regular Bump
doesn't get the attention
you require.....especially
effective when combined with
The Sniff. See above.
LOVE:
Is a feeling of intense
affection, given freely and
without restriction. The
best way you can show your
love is to wag your tail. If
you're lucky, a human will
love you in return.
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